| Warheads And Other Tales Of The Cats Pajamas |
There was a knock at the door. A quick look through the curtain, and I could see it was a suit.
I opened the door. "Ya, what do you want"
"Are you Mister Hippy?"
"Depends. Are we talking hippy with an ie or hippy with a y?" Fucking with suits was my favorite game.
"I'm Mr. Jones from the Congressional Committee on National Ethics. I have a summons for you to appear before the committee."
Those guys! That meant I was looking at some serious shit! "Well Mr. Bones, what the hell do they want me for?"
"That's Jones with a j. It seems someone spotted you drinking an Edelweiss beer in public and not the required brand of Bear Bob's
Beer."
BB Beer. What swill that crap is. I was wondering who snitched me off? "Well I don't know what you are talking about Mr. Loans,
so why don't you get off my fuckin' property."
"I could have you arrested for refusing the summons, so I'd suggest you take it.!"
I grabbed the paper and slammed the door in his face. God I hate the government. Two days later I was in the capitol sitting before
the CNE hearing board.
The guy with the robe who looked like the boss spoke up. "You're Mr. Hippy? I'm Senator Adams head of the CNE" He raised his
hand toward the ceiling and the Barry Manilow music stopped. Thank God they weren't into torture.
"I don't know, Mr. Amans? Is that hippy with a y or an ie?"
"Mr. Hippy, you're charged with drinking a non domestic beer in public. You can tell us it's true and go to jail, or you can tell us it's
not true and go to jail, and have your home confiscated. Which is it? We're very busy today."
I wasn't really paying attention.. My eyes were fixed on the crowd gathered in the upper deck of the gallery. Committees! Watching
the show trials had become a big time event lately. Especially those charged with Unamericanism. I turned and look Adams in the
eye. "You know Governor Labmans, I would suggest you call a halt to this sham trial right now before the shit really hit's the fan."
Suddenly I was getting irritated with this yahoos attitude that was dripping off his lips as he spoke.
"Disrespecting the committee now are we. That's a much more egregious offense. And it's Senator Adams to you sir. You might want
to remember the name of the man who sent you to his doom." He stood up and unruffled his robe. "In accordance with the committee
rules, is there any here today who dares to speak up as to why I should not pronounce the death sentence on this man Angry Hippy?"
"Yes I'll speak up General Abrams! Before you do anything, you may want to know his real name!" It was Mandy. My ex from a long
time ago. I recognized that sweet voice immediately. "First of all his name is not Angry Hippy, like what was printed in the flyers
for todays hearing. It's angryhippy. And secondly, his real name is Random Anonymous."
There was a collective gasp from the crowd as the committee members gave dumbfounded glances to each other . "This is not
possible!" The senator was so upset I was afraid he was gonna pee in his robes.
"Well, now you know Major Akins. So can I go home now?"
The same Random Anonymous who seized the Bear Bob's Beer Brewery in Oregon last week and is holding it for ransom?" His voice
was starting to crack. God I was loving this. "SEIZE THAT MAN! And grab the girl as well for speaking without being recognized!"
A strong powerful voice came from the gallery. "Um, ah, I don't think you wanna do that."
"Who speaks without recognition now?" The crowd was mumbling and the Senator was losing control.
"I'm Special Agent Rogers. I'm in charge of enforcement for the Intelligence Committee on Unilateral Deceit. I'm afraid you are
going to have to let Mr. Hippy, AKA Mr. Anonymous, go. But before you open your mouth again you big buffoon, I'd suggest you
clear the room. But the girl stays."
The Senator now was drooling directly on his robe, and his head was starting to quiver, and shake. "Guards, seize this man. No one
and I mean no one calls me a buffoon!" He looked at the guards but they were busy looking at Rogers with fear in their eyes. They
knew where the power lay.
In a few minutes the room had been cleared and the man from Deceit spoke. "You see Senator, the Bear Bob's Beer isn't actually
made here in the States. The brewery in Oregon and the other in Alabama are actually government labs used to inject certain
chemicals into the beer to make the population more susceptible to subliminal messaging. Bear Bob's Beer is actually Edelweiss. Now
the media was told about the seizure of the Oregon facility, but not that the Random Anonymous Truth Brigade had actually seized
both. We only have one more day before the chemicals wear off, and once removed from the system, no longer have any effect when
reintroduced. Since Mr. Hippy's forces also control the labs at the sites we are in no position to be playing games with your silly
little committee. Now if you'll excuse me I have a plane waiting for angry and his lady friend. We have business to discuss. Mr.
Hippy are you ready?"
"No. You know I'm all of a sudden wanting to finish up my work right here. So why not call in the Unilateral Deceit boys, and the
Military too. And you, Sergeant Blabman, round up all those pages you've been boning and see if you can hustle me up some herb." I
grabbed Mandy and headed for the peanut gallery for a quickie, and a hello how ya been. "I'll be back in a few."
I took her upstairs and sat her down. "How'd you find out who I was, when the best minds in the country couldn't?"
"When I heard your voice on the radio, the disguise didn't fool me. A woman knows the voice of a man she loves even through the
disguise. Actually it was a guess at first, but today when I saw how unworried you were, I knew it was you." She started
unbuttoning her blouse.
"Last meal for a condemned man? You know you risked your life up there. You might have been wrong. But you are sure looking right,
right now!" I got busy thanking her.
"Where is this punk?" It was Admiral Knolls, head of the Defense Matrix Agency. One of my least favorite assholes.
"Up here Lieutenant Bowls. I'll be right with you." I calmly walked back into the chambers. The Admiral raised a pistol from the
table and pointed it at my head.
"Tell me why I shouldn't kill you where you stand you bastard?"
"Oh probably because I not only knew about the chemicals in the beer, but I also knew about the Missile system you had secretly
installed in the basement of the warehouses. Missiles that I now control."
Rogers nearly fell out of his chair. "Missiles! What the hell are you talking about?"
I was enjoying this. These government yahoos all think they know what's going on, but in reality the whole lot of them don't know
shit. "Ten missiles actually. With MRV warheads, nuclear payloads and all. It seems the Admiral here had his own plans for taking
over. I had my people reconfigure the warheads, for air burst detonation, and loaded them with a special brew, that neutralizes all
the crap you have been feeding us. Ya, that's ten missiles each with ten warheads. That's a hundred warheads aimed at one hundred
of the countries largest cities. I'm afraid your little game is up gentlemen. In fact the missiles were all launched 20 minutes ago.
They should be doing their thing right about now. My people who have already been given the antidote, about 250,000 of them, are
starting to pass out fliers right now explaining to the people what you assholes have been doing."
I took her upstairs and sat her down. "How'd you find out who I was, when the best minds in the country couldn't?"
"When I heard your voice on the radio, the disguise didn't fool me. A woman knows the voice of a man she loves even through the
disguise. Actually it was a guess at first, but today when I saw how unworried you were, I knew it was you." She started
unbuttoning her blouse.
"Last meal for a condemned man? You know you risked your life up there. You might have been wrong. But you are sure looking right,
right now!" I got busy thanking her.
I kicked the cat.
"So I'd suggest you people better figure out what you are going to do, cause it's a whole new ball game for America, and we're
gonna want some changes. And we're gonna want them now!"
I kicked the cat.
I took her upstairs and sat her down. "How'd you find out who I was, when the best minds in the country couldn't?"
"When I heard your voice on the radio, the disguise didn't fool me. A woman knows the voice of a man she loves even through the
disguise. Actually it was a guess at first, but today when I saw how unworried you were, I knew it was you." She started
unbuttoning her blouse.
"Last meal for a condemned man? You know you risked your life up there. You might have been wrong. But you are sure looking right,
right now!" I got busy thanking her.
Wait a fuckin minute. Didn't I already do this part? I kicked the cat. "Mary, quit sleeping on my legs, you're waking me up!" Lets
see now where was I? The gallery. No, with the politicians. No. "AH FUCK! God damn it Mary you ruined another dream!" Oh well,
guess I'll get up and make some coffee. I should write this shit down before I forget it. Nah, I'll never figure out a good ending now.
I opened the door. "Ya, what do you want"
"Are you Mister Hippy?"
"Depends. Are we talking hippy with an ie or hippy with a y?" Fucking with suits was my favorite game.
"I'm Mr. Jones from the Congressional Committee on National Ethics. I have a summons for you to appear before the committee."
Those guys! That meant I was looking at some serious shit! "Well Mr. Bones, what the hell do they want me for?"
"That's Jones with a j. It seems someone spotted you drinking an Edelweiss beer in public and not the required brand of Bear Bob's
Beer."
BB Beer. What swill that crap is. I was wondering who snitched me off? "Well I don't know what you are talking about Mr. Loans,
so why don't you get off my fuckin' property."
"I could have you arrested for refusing the summons, so I'd suggest you take it.!"
I grabbed the paper and slammed the door in his face. God I hate the government. Two days later I was in the capitol sitting before
the CNE hearing board.
The guy with the robe who looked like the boss spoke up. "You're Mr. Hippy? I'm Senator Adams head of the CNE" He raised his
hand toward the ceiling and the Barry Manilow music stopped. Thank God they weren't into torture.
"I don't know, Mr. Amans? Is that hippy with a y or an ie?"
"Mr. Hippy, you're charged with drinking a non domestic beer in public. You can tell us it's true and go to jail, or you can tell us it's
not true and go to jail, and have your home confiscated. Which is it? We're very busy today."
I wasn't really paying attention.. My eyes were fixed on the crowd gathered in the upper deck of the gallery. Committees! Watching
the show trials had become a big time event lately. Especially those charged with Unamericanism. I turned and look Adams in the
eye. "You know Governor Labmans, I would suggest you call a halt to this sham trial right now before the shit really hit's the fan."
Suddenly I was getting irritated with this yahoos attitude that was dripping off his lips as he spoke.
"Disrespecting the committee now are we. That's a much more egregious offense. And it's Senator Adams to you sir. You might want
to remember the name of the man who sent you to his doom." He stood up and unruffled his robe. "In accordance with the committee
rules, is there any here today who dares to speak up as to why I should not pronounce the death sentence on this man Angry Hippy?"
"Yes I'll speak up General Abrams! Before you do anything, you may want to know his real name!" It was Mandy. My ex from a long
time ago. I recognized that sweet voice immediately. "First of all his name is not Angry Hippy, like what was printed in the flyers
for todays hearing. It's angryhippy. And secondly, his real name is Random Anonymous."
There was a collective gasp from the crowd as the committee members gave dumbfounded glances to each other . "This is not
possible!" The senator was so upset I was afraid he was gonna pee in his robes.
"Well, now you know Major Akins. So can I go home now?"
The same Random Anonymous who seized the Bear Bob's Beer Brewery in Oregon last week and is holding it for ransom?" His voice
was starting to crack. God I was loving this. "SEIZE THAT MAN! And grab the girl as well for speaking without being recognized!"
A strong powerful voice came from the gallery. "Um, ah, I don't think you wanna do that."
"Who speaks without recognition now?" The crowd was mumbling and the Senator was losing control.
"I'm Special Agent Rogers. I'm in charge of enforcement for the Intelligence Committee on Unilateral Deceit. I'm afraid you are
going to have to let Mr. Hippy, AKA Mr. Anonymous, go. But before you open your mouth again you big buffoon, I'd suggest you
clear the room. But the girl stays."
The Senator now was drooling directly on his robe, and his head was starting to quiver, and shake. "Guards, seize this man. No one
and I mean no one calls me a buffoon!" He looked at the guards but they were busy looking at Rogers with fear in their eyes. They
knew where the power lay.
In a few minutes the room had been cleared and the man from Deceit spoke. "You see Senator, the Bear Bob's Beer isn't actually
made here in the States. The brewery in Oregon and the other in Alabama are actually government labs used to inject certain
chemicals into the beer to make the population more susceptible to subliminal messaging. Bear Bob's Beer is actually Edelweiss. Now
the media was told about the seizure of the Oregon facility, but not that the Random Anonymous Truth Brigade had actually seized
both. We only have one more day before the chemicals wear off, and once removed from the system, no longer have any effect when
reintroduced. Since Mr. Hippy's forces also control the labs at the sites we are in no position to be playing games with your silly
little committee. Now if you'll excuse me I have a plane waiting for angry and his lady friend. We have business to discuss. Mr.
Hippy are you ready?"
"No. You know I'm all of a sudden wanting to finish up my work right here. So why not call in the Unilateral Deceit boys, and the
Military too. And you, Sergeant Blabman, round up all those pages you've been boning and see if you can hustle me up some herb." I
grabbed Mandy and headed for the peanut gallery for a quickie, and a hello how ya been. "I'll be back in a few."
I took her upstairs and sat her down. "How'd you find out who I was, when the best minds in the country couldn't?"
"When I heard your voice on the radio, the disguise didn't fool me. A woman knows the voice of a man she loves even through the
disguise. Actually it was a guess at first, but today when I saw how unworried you were, I knew it was you." She started
unbuttoning her blouse.
"Last meal for a condemned man? You know you risked your life up there. You might have been wrong. But you are sure looking right,
right now!" I got busy thanking her.
"Where is this punk?" It was Admiral Knolls, head of the Defense Matrix Agency. One of my least favorite assholes.
"Up here Lieutenant Bowls. I'll be right with you." I calmly walked back into the chambers. The Admiral raised a pistol from the
table and pointed it at my head.
"Tell me why I shouldn't kill you where you stand you bastard?"
"Oh probably because I not only knew about the chemicals in the beer, but I also knew about the Missile system you had secretly
installed in the basement of the warehouses. Missiles that I now control."
Rogers nearly fell out of his chair. "Missiles! What the hell are you talking about?"
I was enjoying this. These government yahoos all think they know what's going on, but in reality the whole lot of them don't know
shit. "Ten missiles actually. With MRV warheads, nuclear payloads and all. It seems the Admiral here had his own plans for taking
over. I had my people reconfigure the warheads, for air burst detonation, and loaded them with a special brew, that neutralizes all
the crap you have been feeding us. Ya, that's ten missiles each with ten warheads. That's a hundred warheads aimed at one hundred
of the countries largest cities. I'm afraid your little game is up gentlemen. In fact the missiles were all launched 20 minutes ago.
They should be doing their thing right about now. My people who have already been given the antidote, about 250,000 of them, are
starting to pass out fliers right now explaining to the people what you assholes have been doing."
I took her upstairs and sat her down. "How'd you find out who I was, when the best minds in the country couldn't?"
"When I heard your voice on the radio, the disguise didn't fool me. A woman knows the voice of a man she loves even through the
disguise. Actually it was a guess at first, but today when I saw how unworried you were, I knew it was you." She started
unbuttoning her blouse.
"Last meal for a condemned man? You know you risked your life up there. You might have been wrong. But you are sure looking right,
right now!" I got busy thanking her.
I kicked the cat.
"So I'd suggest you people better figure out what you are going to do, cause it's a whole new ball game for America, and we're
gonna want some changes. And we're gonna want them now!"
I kicked the cat.
I took her upstairs and sat her down. "How'd you find out who I was, when the best minds in the country couldn't?"
"When I heard your voice on the radio, the disguise didn't fool me. A woman knows the voice of a man she loves even through the
disguise. Actually it was a guess at first, but today when I saw how unworried you were, I knew it was you." She started
unbuttoning her blouse.
"Last meal for a condemned man? You know you risked your life up there. You might have been wrong. But you are sure looking right,
right now!" I got busy thanking her.
Wait a fuckin minute. Didn't I already do this part? I kicked the cat. "Mary, quit sleeping on my legs, you're waking me up!" Lets
see now where was I? The gallery. No, with the politicians. No. "AH FUCK! God damn it Mary you ruined another dream!" Oh well,
guess I'll get up and make some coffee. I should write this shit down before I forget it. Nah, I'll never figure out a good ending now.
